Summer 2010: Features

‘Guaranteed Not to Shrink’

From The Bob Newhart Show

In the setup to this scene, Bob and Emily, his schoolteacher wife, have been interrupted by a call from Bob’s secretary, Carol, in the middle of the night.

Bob: All right, I’ll answer your questions . . . uh huh . . . uh huh . . . the answers are schizophrenia, paranoia, and dog food. Good night.

Emily: Dog food?

Bob: She wanted to know what Pavlov fed his dogs.

[The conversation turns to Amy, a student Bob knew during his psychology studies.]

Bob: She had everything. She was blonde, tall . . . slender . . . she was beautiful.

Emily: Uh huh.

Bob: Emily, I’m not comparing the two of you. That would be impossible. I mean she was blonde and you’re a brunette . . . she was tall and you’re . . . not so tall . . . you’re more compact . . . I don’t mean compact . . . I just mean you have a nice bulk . . .

Emily: Like our furniture.

Bob: The point is, I ruined my relationship with Amy because I analyzed everything she painted. Finally, I got her so mixed up, she gave up painting. She copped out . . . she settled for something less . . . something she could do in her sleep.

Emily: That’s too bad.

Bob: She could have been anything. The last I heard, she became a school . . .

Emily: A school, Bob? She became a school?

Bob: Well . . . She only thought she was a school; she actually became a bank.

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