But something was wrong. Tom would get angry if Suzanne talked to male friends or co-workers, and even told her she was spending too much times with her female friends. Suzanne began to notice that he always decided where they would go, what they would do, what they would order at a restaurant. When Tom tried to dictate how she should dress, even how she should do her hair and make-up, Suzanne realized that he was attempting to control every aspect of her life. She resisted, and they began to argue. The arguments grew more frequent, and Tom began pushing and shoving her. Before she knew it, Suzanne was receiving abuse almost every time she and Tom were together-smacking, hair-pulling, being thrown around the room, forced sex. Now Suzanne is afraid of Tom. But she is even more terrified to break up with him, because he has threatened to kill her if she does. Worst of all, Suzanne is so embarrassed about what is happening that she has kept it a secret. She feels trapped and helpless, monitored and controlled by Tom, alone with her fear and shame. Suzanne is exhausted all the time; and her self esteem is spiraling lower every day.
Usually the term "domestic violence" is thought of in reference to physically abusive marriages; however, it may refer to any abusive relationship between people who are intimately involved with each other. The American Medical Association has identified domestic violence as the number one health problem for women. It is the most frequent cause of injury to women, and the number one reason for emergency room admittance of women. In the United States, a woman is beaten by a man every 15 seconds.
But back to Suzanne: Isn't the obvious solution to tell that jerk Tom to hit the road? Why doesn't she just leave?
The idea that it is easy to get away from a batterer may be the most persistent myth about domestic violence. There are a number of reasons why women stay with abusive men: isolation from friends, family and other sources of support; the belief that the abuse is her fault and will stop when she figures out what she is doing wrong; the belief that the man can't live without her (abusers often threaten suicide); lack of confidence/low self esteem; fear of retaliation; emotional exhaustion.
2. Both parties in the violent relationship, especially the abusive man, adhere to traditional gender roles.
3. In violent relationships, jealousy and control are seen as manifestations of romantic love ("Oh, he loves me so much he can't stand me even looking at anybody else").
If you are concerned about a friend, help her/him reach out for help. Support, listen to and believe your friend if she is being abused. If your friend is the one doing the abusing, confront him on it, and refuse to accept excuses for his behavior--there are none.
2. Gets into a lot of fights
3. Becomes verbally or physically aggressive when he drinks
4. Puts his wife/girlfriend down, or tries to embarrass her in front of others
5. Resents his wife/girlfriend doing things or going places without his "permission;" tries to isolate her from others
6. Lacks respect for the rights and abilities of women
7. Has close friends who abuse their wives/girlfriends, or talk about such behavior approvingly or jokingly
8. Is a frequent user of violent pornography
9. Threatens violence or suicide if his wife/girlfriend leaves him
10. Has hit previous wives/girlfriends
Mary Krueger is coordinator of Health Education for the University Health Service. The Wellness column is coordinated by the Seretean Center for Health Promotion.