Many of my friends say they dont read their horoscope because they
dont believe anyone can predict the future. Then they hang up the
phone so they can listen to the seven-day weather forecast. For those
of you who still have an open mind, here is a glimpse of Emory in a time
far, far into in the future
Emory de facto President William M. Dooley announces the formation of
a varsity football team to compete in NCAA Division I, beginning in fall
2025. Presidents may come, and Presidents may go; Notre Dame may
come, and Florida State may come; but they all shall fall prey to the
In accordance with NCAA regulations, Emory must undergo a five-year transition
period before the move becomes official. After the press conference, athletics
director Chuck Gordon receives two phone calls.
The first is an exploratory call from Lou Holtz inquiring about the head
coaching position. The second is from the University of Nebraska looking
to schedule a competitive home game in the year 2028.
Students receiving their tuition bill are shocked to see their student
activity fee has more than tripled from $65 per semester to $210. The
University explains the fee increase as a necessity to raise the money
needed to fund 80 football scholarships.
Emorys application for membership to the Atlantic Coast Conference
is rejected. The Georgia Tech athletic director says afterwards, Its
bad enough to be second fiddle to [the University of] Georgia in our own
city, but we aint going to give up our IQ crown to anyone.
Inside sources reveal that 90-year old Coach Bobby Bowden of Florida
State was instrumental in Emorys rejection because the school would
not interview his great-grandson for the head coaching position.
Per NCAA requirements to have a home stadium with seating for a minimum
of 35,000, Emory announces plans to raze the eastern half of Lullwater
to build what will be known as Lullwater Stadium. Students receive a letter
explaining that their activity fee will increase from $210 per semester
to $850 in order to finance the stadium construction.
28-year-old R.J. Noble is introduced at a press conference as the schools
first football head coach. Noble previously spent six years as an assistant
coach at Texas A&M, Minnesota and Tennessee. I promise to create
a program that represents the best ideals of the university, he
Attending the press conference are public television station WPBA,
Creative Loafing and The Wheel. Nobles salary makes him
the second-highest paid employee at Emory. In protest, the chairs of the
history and psychology departments resign.
Emory is accepted into the Southland Conference, joining the likes of
Lamar, Louisiana-Monroe, McNeese State, Northwestern State, Sam Houston
and Troy State. Noble declares, We are proud to be associated with
these outstanding institutions and pledge to uphold the prestige of this
The University decides to build additional shuttle roads in Lullwater
to accommodate the anticipated vehicle traffic from television production
trucks, VIP limousines, emergency medical vehicles and concessions delivery
Citing a cash crunch, even after raising student fees to $1,200 per semester,
the University announces it has sold off 10 percent of its Coca-Cola stock.
The plan is to replenish the coffers with sale of seat licenses in Lullwater
Noble hires the last of his 14 assistant coaches at an estimated annual
commitment of $500,000 in salaries. To fund the salaries, the University
announces it is disbanding the track and field programs.
Emory disbands the University Senate Committee on the Environment (COE).
No explanation is given. In protest, the committee chair resigns, but
the University refuses to accept the resignation because the committee
and the position are now considered non-existent.
Plans are unveiled to raze the other half of Lullwater to build offices
for the football coaching staff, locker rooms for the anticipated 85-player
squad, medical training rooms, team meeting rooms, an indoor practice
facility and a state-of-the-art weight room. Plans call for the presidents
house to be relocated 80 yards away to make room for the construction.
In protest, the COE chair goes on local television to announce his resignation,
which the University still does not recognize.
Noble receives a verbal commitment from his first recruit for the incoming
freshman class even though the first season is still four years away.
Ill do what it takes to stick around to be a part of that
team, says Billy Joe Sanders of Norman, Okla.
In order to thwart any possible Title IX lawsuits, the Board of Trustees
orders the athletics department to increase its percentage of female student-athletes.
To offset the incoming 85 football players, the department disbands its
mens programs in cross country, golf, soccer and swimming.
The Wheel reports that freshman Billy Joe Sanders had a 1.8 grade-point
average his first semester, increasing the likelihood that hell
need a fifth year to complete his degree. Noble will not comment except
to say, Everything is proceeding according to our plan. Just trust
Construction on Lullwater Stadium is already a reported
$10 million over budget. To cover the shortfall, the University signs
a sponsorship deal with Tricon Corp. to rename the not-yet-finished facility
Tricon Stadium. We feel this name combines the best of the old and
the new, Gordon states.
Tickets for the inaugural 2025 season go on sale at 7 a.m. The first visitor
arrives at 8:20 a.m. to ask for directions to the presidents house.
By the end of the day, 164 tickets have been sold for the home opener.
In light of the disappointing ticket sales, Emory disbands its baseball
and mens tennis programs to help cover the projected financial shortfall.
The admissions office announces that the average SAT score for the incoming
freshman class has dropped by 18 points. University officials state they
are disappointed by the development, but they cite record-high numbers
of recruits from Texas and Oklahoma.
Billy Joe Sanders records a 1.9 GPA for the spring semester. The University
agrees to give him another chance if he can pass three summer classes.
Noble agrees to overload his summer classes in Health 101 and Coaching
Without notice, prices for the Dobbs Center meal plan are increased 30
percent. Food service vendor Aramark says food consumption has gone through
the roof in the early weeks of the school year, and they risk losing thousands
of dollars. All I can say, says one Aramark spokes-person,
is there sure seem to be a lot more 300-pounders around here than
I remember before.
The Wheel uncovers a shocking development when it turns out that
Tricon is the parent corporation of Pepsi-Cola. Emory reluctantly acknowledges
that the move is a violation of the $400 million Woodruff gift and is
forced to give up all shares of Coca-Cola stock. The Board of Trustees
votes to impose a 100-year moratorium on Div. I football
accept the letter of resignation from the COE chair.